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It is common and understandable to have reactions to "parts work". It is becoming a common way of working with trauma and family dysfunction that has been made popular by Internal Family Systems (IFS). I use it a lot in my work with people. Common reactions are - I don't have parts, I am just me, or that parts are not real; we imagine them. There may be other reactions. One that comes up for me (even though I work in this way) is that I don't like to go along with the latest fad and that nothing is new. So, I want to put IFS into perspective and discuss how we might see a "part."…

I am going to say something somewhat controversial. We have very few needs in our relationships. I might go as far as saying that we don’t need anything from our partner. We need air to breathe and food to eat. This is the level of need. It is associated with our survival. Language is powerful. This is why when we use the word need to express what we want in relationships it has the energy of ‘must-have urgency’ behind it. It is a demand. Let’s compare expressions for a moment. I need your attention vs I want your attention or can I have your attention? Take a moment to say each phrase out…

Even the mention of shame brings up a desire to avoid even talking about it. It is the worst feeling and experience. It can be experienced as a constant dull ache lurking to erupt if we give it any attention, to a sudden flash of heat and intense feeling of needing to disappear. Shame is a relational experience. In other words, we are shamed by others and we develop internal shaming to prevent further experiences of shame, including shaming others. This cycle of shame is hard to break. It can be useful to understand how this develops to find a way out and heal. Here are the steps: A bad thing…

Wounds, whether they are physical or emotional, can be quite painful. When it comes to physical wounds, we are often advised not to touch or disturb them. This is because we are concerned about the possibility of infection, bleeding, or making the wound worse. If we get a cut on our skin, we notice that before it fully heals, a scab forms over the wound. It acts as a protective layer, preventing external contaminants from entering the wound. We understand that if we prematurely peel off the scab, before the wound has had a chance to fully heal, it may result in scarring on our skin. However…

Have you ever noticed that you don't like being alone? The thought of downtime or quiettime is overwhelming and you'll do anything you can to avoid it. Maybe you find you fill your space and time with work, friend, your kids...and when they're all busy, you still find places or spaces to be, so you don't have to be alone. This might mean a place like Costco, or it could just mean plugging in the vaccum so you can feel like you're doing something and you're avoiding any thoughts or emotions that might be felt in the quiet. Perhaps there's a relationship, an experience or a trauma you're worried…

Loneliness is a universal emotion experienced by individuals in various situations and at different times. Despite being in the company of others, this emotion can persist, causing internal distress. There are moments when this sense of isolation intensifies, leaving us in solitude and affecting various aspects of our lives. To overcome the grip of loneliness, it is essential to understand what can be done and how we can liberate ourselves from its clutches. Many of us have distanced ourselves from our true selves, contributing to the profound sense of isolation. Let's honestly acknowledge our…

Anticipating the holiday season can bring an array of emotions, thoughts and expectations. You might love family traditions, reflecting with joy and that warm tingly feeling in your body. You know it as a season where everyone is happy (well, mostly) and can't wait for jammie days, movie marathons, board games and probably a little (lot) of holiday food. It's wonderful! Alternatively, you might cringe a little as you begin to plan what the holidays could look like this year. Your kids are older, some of them may have a significant other and their time is split. It's possible the cost of travel…

You notice you’re struggling to say ‘no’ when friends, family members, co-workers, your partner or even your kids need something. Your head wants to say ‘yes’ to their request. But your heart (emotions, energy, joy) might be noticing it’s feeling more resentful than joyful. You often say yes anyway, because that’s what people expect and if you don’t do (fill-in-the-blank), who will? (This is an inner thought you might have noticed.) You have tried to cultivate boundaries before, but others have ignored them, or you’ve felt guilty and decided that it’s easier to do what others ask than decline…

October is breast cancer awareness month. Having worked with breast cancer patients since 2017, I have heard from so many patients about how this disease has impacted them. I thought I would share a few themes that I have noticed over the years (in no particular order): Navigating the medical system can be confusing and/or stressful – With a diagnosis of breast cancer, patients can find themselves with multiple doctors and medical professionals involved in their care. It is typical to have a surgeon/specialist, a medical oncologist (a doctor who prescribes chemotherapy if needed and monitors…

You might notice that at times, in particular with your partner, you just don't seem to connect well. Arguments that started out of nowhere, leave you feeling like you're spinning. When you're noticing a rupture after an argument, the way you try to reconnect or repair it and the way your friend or partner might try to do so, causes more miscommunication than you before you made this attempt. So disheartening! This is most likely a product of your early childhood experiences...of what happened to you. Whether you are aware or not, the way you were cared for and connected with your early…