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It's not uncommon for people living with persistent pain to be reluctant about seeking help from a therapist. For some, it feels like admitting that their pain isn't real and that it is "all in their head." Others don't see how a mental health provider could help with something they see as a physical issue. This blog explores what we know about pain and how therapy can help. What do we get wrong about pain? We tend to misunderstand pain as a symptom of tissue damage. But we didn't just make this idea up. It dates back to nineteenth-century medical textbooks, which stated either that pain had…
Being in pain, emotionally or relationally, is what draws many people to find a therapist. Currently, therapy is enjoying a cultural moment of popularity. You may have heard a version of “everyone needs therapy” or “therapy is for you if you have experienced childhood.” While mostly light-hearted, these prompts speak to those who notice pain in themselves and those around them. The Purpose Of A Process Group A process group is an unstructured, collaborative therapy. By joining a process group, you commit to bringing up what is going on for you and being present with others who are doing the…
It is common and understandable to have reactions to "parts work". It is becoming a common way of working with trauma and family dysfunction that has been made popular by Internal Family Systems (IFS). I use it a lot in my work with people. Common reactions are - I don't have parts, I am just me, or that parts are not real; we imagine them. There may be other reactions. One that comes up for me (even though I work in this way) is that I don't like to go along with the latest fad and that nothing is new. So, I want to put IFS into perspective and discuss how we might see a "part."…
I am going to say something somewhat controversial. We have very few needs in our relationships. I might go as far as saying that we don’t need anything from our partner. We need air to breathe and food to eat. This is the level of need. It is associated with our survival. Language is powerful. This is why when we use the word need to express what we want in relationships it has the energy of ‘must-have urgency’ behind it. It is a demand. Let’s compare expressions for a moment. I need your attention vs I want your attention or can I have your attention? Take a moment to say each phrase out…
The shame cycle explained.
Even the mention of shame brings up a desire to avoid even talking about it. It is the worst feeling and experience. It can be experienced as a constant dull ache lurking to erupt if we give it any attention, to a sudden flash of heat and intense feeling of needing to disappear. Shame is a relational experience. In other words, we are shamed by others and we develop internal shaming to prevent further experiences of shame, including shaming others. This cycle of shame is hard to break. It can be useful to understand how this develops to find a way out and heal. Here are the steps: A bad thing…
This is often hard to understand for a lot of the people I work with, so in this post I am going to go through what we mean about repair in relationships. Let’s start by acknowledging the things we need to repair in a relationship. That might seem obvious, but let’s lay the foundation for this. It starts with a communication or action by your partner that leaves you hurt, disappointed, let down, frustrated, and so on. There may be things you have both said or done during a conflict that cause both to want attention to your hurt feelings. Several common pitfalls arise and get in the way of a…
Many of us (myself included) have used the accusation you always__ or you never __ in arguments with loved ones. This is an all too common response and if used consistently will erode trust and connection in an intimate relationship. You have likely been given well-meaning advice about not using these words and how they damage communication. However, how many of you are successful in doing that? Perhaps this is because we experience this accusation of our partner as true and just being told this is not a good idea doesn’t convince us our partner isn’t ‘always’ doing something. Maybe later we…
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