Why Am I STILL in This SITUATIONSHIP?

Are you a woman looking for a loving, committed partner? Someone who reliably shows up for you when you need them? Someone you can build a life, a family, and a future with?

Are you -in reality- dating someone who cannot commit? Someone who doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you?

What has happened here? How do women who want a real relationship end up in a situationship?

A couple of common ways this happens.

(1) Sometimes a woman thinks she wants to casually date and tries it and then realizes after some time that she's actually a relationship person. She can't be casual with someone. That's totally fine. It takes trial and error to understand ourselves and what we want.

However, instead of asserting her needs and leaving him if he isn't ready she stays hoping he'll "change his mind" or "change for her." In actuality she ends up in a months- or years- long situationship. Resentment towards him and the situation builds.

(2) Another common scenario that ends up with a situationship is when women are quite clear with themselves about desiring a committed relationship but end up entering into a situationship anyway. This is a semi-relationship where there is semi-regular contact with a love interest but there is no committment or exclusivity. Their actions do not show that they are building a life with you. The partner may be unavailable (married, attached, a workaholic, alcoholic, immature, or focussed on career or family). Or he may simply be at a stage in his life where he's not ready to attach long-term. 

The problem is that even though she realizes that she and he want different things she does not break up with him. She stays in this situationship. Whether due to her own low self-esteem or messages she has received about her unlovability she is allowing herself to stay with someone who cannot commit to her or meet her needs. Sometimes she has good self-esteem but has been brought up witnessing putting others' needs first as strong value. She is the ultimate hostess, to the point of her own detriment. 

What are the risks of staying in a situationship?

(1) One risk is the development of low self-esteem. Continuing a situation that she knows isn't right for her builds mistrust with herself. Behaviour influences emotions and thoughts. She continues to stay and so she starts to wonder if she is in fact someone who doesn't deserve a real committed relationship.  

(2) The other real risk of course is that she is delaying getting out into the dating world and actually looking for the right one. Because some of her loneliness and sexual needs are getting met she has less inclination to brave the dating world. It is very inconvenient to put up with online dating and other methods of current dating and few will do it if she are getting even a few of their relationship needs met. 

(3) The last real risk is not finding a new partner attractive. Even if she does muster and go on a few dates it is unlikely she will find herself attracted to these men. If she is attached in any way to the situationship partner she will find it hard to build chemistry with someone new. In real life, our chemistry doesn't mirror The Bachelorette. Women often feel disgust towards new men if they are already sexually attached to another, even if not committed. 

The risks are real. A situationship is unlikely to end in a committed relationship.

So, if you aren't happy in your current situationship and want to be committed to a life partner feel free to contact me. 

Get clear about the romantic situation you WANT to be in. 

Let go of the past, unhelpful messages you've received about yourself. Confront the current, amazing woman you are today. We could all use some support, coaching, therapy and skill work to find and hold onto the right relationship. I'm happy to help get you there. Life is short and you are worth it.

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie Hansen, M.A., Registered Clinical Counsellor

Individual and Couples Therapist with 17+ years experience, based in New Westminster, British Columbia

NatalieHansenCounselling@gmail.com

NatalieHansenCounselling.com