Why Am I Finding Relationships so Anxiety Provoking or Irritating?

Everyone finds relationships challenging at times. You're not alone! But there are different ways these challenges present and also different degrees of challenge.

Are you someone who feels ok when not in a relationship but as soon as you're in it your overthinking starts up?

(1) Is your overthinking more on the anxious side? For example, you may find yourself pondering on the daily what the status of your relationship is.  When arguing or having conflict with your boyfriend or girlfriend you may worry that you two are breaking up. When they leave the house you may wonder if they still love you.

It may not be just your thinking. Your behaviour may also become quite anxious when you are in relationship. For example, you may want to spend all your time with your partner, even when you know you do better as a couple to have some time apart. You may change yourself or make your needs less important to be able to fit into your partner's lifestyle. You may even find yourself doing things you are not a fan of, like smoking, drinking or engaging in certain sexual behaviour in order to be or appear to be similar to your partner. You may avoid bringing things up for fear of breaking up or you may be bringing up concerns every day, in a compulsive fashion.

(2) Conversely, are your thoughts and behaviours not anxious, but avoidant?  For example, you are fiercely independent and good at work or school and seem to always land on your feet. You feel annoyed that your partner slows you down. You can't understand why they can just do things like you can. Or you get annoyed that they don't support you in the way you prefer. You don't often show them your more vulnerable feelings and end up more irritated with them rather than letting yourself feel hurt by them.

 If you feel like they are going to reject you you make sure you get there first and change your behaviour so you don't need them and go back to being compulsively self-reliant. You numb out to your feelings a lot. You want to avoid discussing topics with them and feel annoyed at their seemingly constant need to be with you or their need to bring up issues with you. You may feel relief at space from your partner and wonder if you even need to be in relationship.

You may remember learning in psychology 100 about John Bowlby's attachment theory and then later Mary Main and colleagues came up with the Strange Experiment where they observed Mothers and babies and categorized their attachment styles. Kim Bartholomew and her colleagues extended infant attachment research by interviewing adults twins and learning that how we attach to our caregivers as children reliably predicts how will attach to our romantic partners as adults. Sue Johnson did amazing work creating a theory of how individual's adult attachment styles can be leaned on in creating positive change in couples with her creation of Emotionally Focussed Couples Therapy.

Get curious about your attachment style. Learn what's good and what's unhelpful about how you attach to others. Learn how to be with a partner who themselves is either securely, anxiously or avoidantly attached.

Learning more about how relationships work is a skill like practicing math or riding a bike. You can get confident at it and much less anxious and annoyed when you are more self- and other-aware about how attachment works. Come in and give your overthinking or annoyance a break.

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie Hansen, M.A., Registered Clinical Counsellor with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors.

Individual and Couples Therapist seeing people in person in New Westminster, BC or by phone.  (604) 816-6532.  nataliehansencounselling@gmail.com