Parenting Without Taking on Your Teen/Child's Emotions

How's parenting going for you these days?

If you're finding it easy that's great. Some people find parenting comes easily to them. Others find it pretty challenging. Especially this day in age with anxiety in our kids reaching maximum levels.

How do you manage your child or teen's anxiety? Are you able to be present and not take it on? Or does it ruin your mood when your child is having a hard time?

It's totally normal and expected to not be thrilled when your kids are down. You love them and want to protect them.

Do you often take on their emotions too deeply though?  To the point where your day is wrecked? If yes, you might be struggling to establish healthy boundaries with them and that's not good for you or for them. 

It's helpful to be able to be empathic- meaning to be able to "get" your kids' experiences and feelings. That helps your kids feel valid in their feelings. But over-identifying with their feelings- e.g., taking on their feelings, or feeling the exact same way they are feeling- isn't necessarily helpful. It can be frustrating for kids to share with parents who then get overly emotional and need care-taking themselves. Kids are very attuned and will pick it up if they sense that you can't handle what they are expressing. Over time they may learn to not come to you.

Being overly empathic can also sometimes lead to compassion fatigue in yourself. That is a kind of burnout specific to being around suffering people, termed by Charles Figley. For example, parents may experience numbing or other depression symptoms when their kids are feeling left out at school. Or they may break out into shingles or have chronic migraines. This kind of reaction is understandable and well meaning but potentially unhelpful for the child or teen and over time can create chronic mental or physical health problems in the parent. It leaves the parent overwhelmed and the child or teen without a reliable, healthy, helpful support person.

Come in and learn how to be a support without losing yourself. To be able to maintain wellness so you can think lovingly and thoughtfully help them in a real way. You can do it. Your kid can do it. You can both do this.

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie Hansen, M.A., Registered Clinical Counsellor

Individual and Couples Therapist in New Westminster

nataliehansencounselling@gmail.com