Parenting Young Adults: A Survival Guide

As parents, we spend much of our lives trying to anticipate and provide for our children's physical, intellectual and emotional needs. When they're young, we become their personal sherpas carrying backpacks filled with wipes, sunscreen, extra clothes, band-aids, favorite toys, books and snacks. As they grow into young adults, they probably do not want us to wipe their nose or need us to apply sunscreen for them. Yet, despite their desire for independence they probably still want someone to fix their problems.  This transition can be hard for parents, too. We are still their parents, and we know that the ups and downs of life can be challenging, so it is only natural that we want to protect them from adversity.

We typically think of child development as starting at birth and ending somewhere around age 18. Truth is, we continue to develop well into our mid-20’s. Some of the common changes during this period include:

• Emotional Regulation: While better at managing emotions than in childhood, young adults can still experience intense emotional swings. Learning to manage stress and emotions effectively is crucial for their personal growth and future success.
• Moral Development: The stage between 18-30 is a critical period where young adults start to refine their moral compass and solidify their understanding of right and wrong. Sometimes, they will even question the very values learned during childhood. This is normal. It may feel like they are rejecting you, but exploring different perspectives is essential for the development of healthy autonomy.  
• Identity: During young adulthood, many people wrestle with big questions like “Who am I?” They start to develop a new sense of self that is now being influenced by forces outside of the family—like work, school, and relationships. Key questions start to emerge, such as “Do I share the same beliefs as my family? Or, what am I passionate about and where do I fit in the world?” These are not easy questions to answer, but they serve as crucial stepping stones toward a more integrated and authentic sense of self. By navigating this process of self-discovery, young adults lay the foundation for a deeper understanding of their values, goals, and place in the world.

Many young adults navigate these changes with relative ease, experiencing both successes and failures while maintaining the resilience to manage challenges without significant distress. However, it's important to remember that every young adult develops at their own pace. While some may adjust smoothly, others may face moments where they need additional support to cope with the turbulence. These periods of struggle are a normal part of the process, and offering the right guidance and encouragement can help them find their way through.

Young adulthood can also bring mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, and stress to the surface. These feelings might become overwhelming for some young adults as they learn to navigate increased responsibilities. If you're concerned about your child's well-being, it's important to remember that you're not alone—many parents share these worries. One of the most helpful things you can do is educate yourself about the unique developmental pressures they face during this stage. Understanding their experiences and emotional struggles will better equip you to offer support and guidance during this pivotal time.

Here are some signs your child may need extra support:

• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and family could signal anxiety or depression. Gently check in with them, even if they don’t open up immediately.
• Academic Performance: A decline in grades or study habits often indicates something deeper. Offer support by exploring resources like tutoring or counseling available at their school
• Behavioral Changes: Sudden irritability, mood swings, or emotional outbursts may point to more serious issues like anxiety or depression. If these changes affect daily life, it’s time to consult a professional.
• Physical Symptoms: Complaints like headaches, stomach issues, or fatigue can indicate emotional distress. Poor hygiene may also signal they’re struggling with daily routines. If these symptoms persist, seek advice from a doctor or therapist.

Additional Ways to Show Support:

• Be present: Try to avoid jumping into “fix-it” mode. Let them talk. You may know the answers already but rushing to give them “advice” can sometimes overwhelm them and reinforce their feelings of not being capable.
• Share your own experiences: As parents we were all once young. We all remember the struggles of that period of life. Talk about your own challenges when you were young. It normalizes what they are experiencing and provides an opportunity for connection.
• Avoid judgment or lecturing: Pointing out mistakes or trying to find an easy fix can make them feel even less capable of moving forward. Acknowledge their feelings instead of offering solutions. Avoid saying things like “if you would have listened to me in the first place this would not have happened” or “I told you so”. Work on validating their feeling, “that sounds really tough, I can image that is really hard for you”.
• Listen: Give them your full attention put your phone down, and project openness and compassion. Learn more about how to develop better active listening skills. There are simple techniques you can learn that will serve you in all aspects of your life.
• Ask open questions: An open question is one that invites them to share more. Open questions also demonstrate that you are curious about them, and this can help build trust and safety.
• Respect that they are learning to “adult”: As parents we have more years of adulthood under our belts but we had to learn, too. Avoid overstepping and respect their boundaries and space to make their own decisions. Experience has taught us that there are consequences to our decisions, and we often feel that urge to “save” them from making mistakes. Difficult as it might be, we need to let them make their own decisions and that means making mistakes.

• Keep the line of communication open: Maintaining open lines of communication are essential for building trust and building a strong supportive relationship.  They may not always accept your offer to chat but keep at it. Knowing that you are always there when they need you there for them is an important part of providing them support as young adults.

  Seek help: If you notice signs that their struggles are starting to impact more aspects of their lives, it might be time to talk about getting professional support. Do not try to force it; be gentle and supportive. Taking that first step can be scary, but if they conclude on their own that they need help, there is a better chance of success in therapy. One of the biggest determinants of success in therapy is the individual's willingness to participate. Finally, if you find yourself spending a lot of time ruminating about your concerns for them, it also might be time for you to get some support. Therapy can provide you with a space to process your concerns and offer you techniques and strategies to help you better support them.

 Recommended Reading:

• Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain - Author: Dr. Daniel J. Siegel
• The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now - Author: Meg Jay
• 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation―And Making Your Own Life Easier - Author: Dr David Yeager.