Getting Through The September Scaries

September can bring a lot of fun.

Crunching on leaves during a morning run. Pulling on soft, colourful sweaters. Being hit with that sweet smell of chili when you open the crock pot. Decluttering and getting tasks done with ease in the fresh, softly rainy, air.  Returning to classes or to the office, greeting familiar faces and catching up on each others' summer adventures.

People experience September differently. For some, there's an electricity of excitement and fun nerves with this new season. However, for many people September brings the opposite experience. It's the worst. It's ripe with dread and dry mouth. Racing thoughts. Constant overwhelm. The anxiety is paralyzing. It consumes until it feels like depression. There's no energy left for anything because the anxiety has used it all up. Leaving the house feels impossible, entering a workplace or classroom are akin to entering a battlefield.

If this is you you're not alone! Many people find the start of the school year or the return to the office to be very, very challenging. It's a thing, really!

It's OK. Here are things you can to do help. 

Number 1. Let yourself ease yourself into the transition. Go in on a less busy day first. Practice walking to the school. Drive to work for a couple hours and meet a coworker for lunch and then go home. Check some email from home the day before going in.

Number 2. Keep up some exposure to the scary thing. It's much better to start earlier, prepare and keep up a little exposure to the challenge rather than avoiding it all.  Thoughts, feelings and behaviours are connected. When your behavour is avoidance, your thoughts start to wonder if there is in fact something to fear and your emotions start to ramp up. The cortisol starts to drip. The body gets more tense. And tired. Chicken and egg, negative begets negative. Chronic avoidance can really up the scaries to the point where now it's impossible to go back. That's when sick days ensue and our work or schooling is negatively impacted.

By keeping up some exposure to the scary thing you are helping your brain realize you can handle it. 

Number 3. Come into counselling or report your progress to a friend.  You'll have someone to keep accountable to so that you keep challenging yourself. It's easy to get complacent and stop doing the scary thing. Before you know it you are chronically avoiding again. I know you can do this! I'm happy to support you in your progress. Email or call to book an appointment or you can book online.

If you are a parent you can follow the same advice above but instead of silently cheering yourself on and exposing yourself to challenge you'll do it together with your child/ teen/ young adult.

Don't dismiss their feelings by saying "nevermind that you didn't get into any classes with your friends." Don't shame them by sending them to their room until they feel "better." Instead: validate, bring in brave thoughts and help them prepare.

Number 1. Validate their feelings: "That sucks that you and Chelsea got split up." "That sucks you are the only one who didn't get on to the rep team."

Number 2. Add in BRAVE thoughts. Remember the thoughts in their head often come from you. Help them ruminate on encouraging thoughts, not weak ones. Say things like:

"I know you can do it."  "Remember you didn't know anyone on the basketball team last year and it ended up being full of great people." "You are such a positive person that you will win over the new art teacher." "Math was hard in the beginning but remember you figured it out halfway through the term." 

Number 3. Bring in Preparatory action. Take them to the school to play ball. Put them in a summer camp with new people to practice making new friends. Practice driving to prepare them for their driving test and to build bravery. Paint your bathroom together to teach them they are capable or new and tricky things.  Go for a family swim and then when coming off the endorphins of the exercise stop by the school to see it. Walk or run or bike them to school the first week so they are being active in their muscles and feeling strong and capable.  Support them in taking their own steps to get ready for the new adventure. Help your kids feel more AGENCY to help them feel like they have control over their lives.

Number 4. Avoid rescuing them from the opportunity to be brave.  Don't encourage thinking that is victim-like. Don't say things like, "great, now that you got Mr. White for math I guess you are going to have a terrible year." Generally (obviously there are some exceptions if they are being actually bullied), you wouldn't want to call the school and try to change their schedule for them. Rescuing them out of things, while well-meaning, can actually give your child the message, "I don't thing you can manage this." Help them expose themselves to regular challenges now so that when they are adults they can manage bigger hurdles. It's normal and healthy to not have your best friends in your class. It's reasonable hardship to learn how to make new friends. You want gritty kids who grow into capable adults. 

Choosing their own clothes, setting their own alarms, making their own lunches and arranging their own transportation to activities can help your teens and kids realize that they are capable. Behaviour-thoughts-emotions. Doing something new creates the thought "I can do anything" and a feeling of joy, contentment, confidence and bravery. Brave kids are happy. Send your kids the message "I believe in you. You are very capable and can handle a lot, even this." Whilst well-intended, doing everything for them actually gives them the message, "I don't think you can do this and can create learned helplessness.

I hope you found this blog post helpful. We are halfway through September.  If you aren't finding that you are settling into the season feel free to get more support. Come on in and talk and learn real skills. There are real actions you can take to make this time easier and more comfortable for you. Come learn what they are. 

Warmly,

Natalie