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As 2025 begins, I am noticing that my clients need a more resilient, generous way of repairing the disharmony they create. Saying I am sorry is not nearly enough especially if the hurtful remark, the sarcasm, the domineering posture has been ongoing.
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<p>As 2025 begins, I am noticing that my clients need a more resilient, generous way of repairing the disharmony they create.</p><p> </p><p>Saying I am sorry is not nearly enough especially if the hurtful remark, the sarcasm, the domineering posture has been ongoing.</p><p> </p><p>We all come into our relationships with character flaws - bad communication habits that came from childhood hurts. Ie.,” Nobody will ever get close ever again. “ “ I get to tell you everything that I think and feel just like my mother did "</p><p> </p><p>These reactions are defensive in nature and so automatic we barely notice the effect on our loved ones or ourselves.</p><p> </p><p>Many folks tell me their anger comes whooshing out before they notice. They believe they have no control. “ It’s just the way I am. “</p><p> </p><p>Changing this perception is the work of accountability and repair. We cannot be authentic, wise adults if our self is rooted in immature beliefs.</p><p> </p><p>Becoming conscious of the ways we need to become wiser, more mature, more adult is the work that I do with my clients.</p><p> </p><p>It requires toleration of discomfort and commitment to becoming a better version of yourself. Drafting an apology and acknowledgement of wrong doing is a great way to create new neural pathways in the nervous system and create second order change for your relationship and your family.</p><p> </p><p>Christmas is a much happier event when parents can stay grounded, not loose their traditional cool.</p><p> </p><p>When harmony is broken by disharmony, it is important to own up to your own part of that disconnection. It is a one-way street to start.</p><p> </p><p>1. A timeout may be needed to reestablish the mature you and create a generous apology. When your nervous system is regulated, calmed down and you have a meaningful apology, approach your partner to see if she/he is ready for a conversation.</p><p>“ I' ve got something important I’d like to talk to you about. Is now a good time ?”</p><p> Do not start this till both people are grounded.</p><p> </p><p>2. Acknowledgement of the mis-step.</p><p> </p><p>“ I yelled at you for no good reason in front of our friends. I believe this is embarrassing and hurtful for you. You may even have felt frightened. I am sorry.</p><p> </p><p>I know this has happened before too many times.And even though I’ve been working on it, here I am again.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a pattern that needs more and immediate attention, so I stop hurting you and others.</p><p> </p><p>What can I do in this moment to help you?"</p><p>3. Listen very carefully to the words and do it if possible. Your partner may be in a receptive state and will have some openness to your apology. Or not.</p><p> </p><p> If not, give this person time to re-establish their equilibrium by staying available and compassionate and in your own skin. No hovering. </p><p> </p><p>4. Please consider carefully, communicate and commit to the actions you will now take to address the deeper issues.</p><p> </p><p>ie., I will talk to a well-grounded friend and my support group about this and get their help in containing the nastiness.</p><p> </p><p>I will meditate every morning and read motivational information to help me stay present.</p><p> </p><p> I will talk to a therapist and consider EMDR. </p><p> </p><p> Et cetera</p><p> </p><p> These ideas are influenced by the work of Terry Real.</p><p> </p><p> If you or your loved one want further support in this area please contact me at jayneweatherbe.therapy@gmail.com or info@jayneweatherbe.ca</p>