Two's a crowd in couples counselling

Usually, two is company, and three’s a crowd, so how does couples counselling differ? Well, there’s always a shadow of a third person in every couple’s problem.

Maybe it’s one of your parents when your partner triggers you by unwittingly imitating them.

Maybe it’s your child when your partner takes older son Jimmy’s side when Jimmy wants something, or you take younger daughter Jane’s when she does the same (please substitute the offspring configuration and names relevant to you!).

Or maybe, and often most painfully, it’s your partner’s lover who you only just found out about, or who’s just been revealed to your partner, and who’s brought you both, shell-shocked, into therapy.

Emotional triangles like these reveal the key to improving a couple’s relationship. The point isn’t to take any side, let alone the “right” side. The point is to take your own side, the side of your beliefs and principles, neutrally, without needing to "wage war" against anyone else. That way, if it so happens that you stand alone, you can stand with integrity without the expectation of support- the kind of support that, when taken far enough, creates codependency, and some very sore, unhappy feelings for the member of the triangle in the cold. At the same time, you permit others to stand apart from you, according to their beliefs and principles.

When you feel and allow that kind of freedom, you, your partner, and other people “triangled in” can start to relax. Tension and conflict will begin to lessen, and when both of you trust that your agency is truly yours, all the feel-good emotions are free to, and will naturally start to, blossom!